How low can you go?

This is quoted from an article on a local newsite:

"Staff members at Children's Hospital huddled with sick youngsters and waited in vain for help to arrive as looters tried to break through the locked door, Blanco spokeswoman Denise Bottcher told the newspaper. Neither the police nor the National Guard arrived"

The article is here: http://www.wave3.com/Global/story.asp?S=3788764

It didn't take long. When established authority is gone or helpless anarchy rushes in the fill the void. Much like the water that rushed out of the sky and ocean to wreak havoc, the looters are out in force. Granted it is probably a small number of the total population that has instigated this despicable behavior. It is unfortunate in these times of pain and suffering that anyone would stoop so low. It really doesn't give much credit to humanity to know this is how we face adversity and hardship.

For those in Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Texas my heartfelt prayers go out for you in this time of trouble. For those of you who have taken this opportunity to "better" yourselves, may God have mercy on your souls.

She fell in love with the drummer, she fell in love with another

It's been one of those days trying to fight fatigue and all. Not sure what is causing it and all. I'm guessing I'm just not getting enough quality sleep and yet here I am writing instead of sleeping.

Jealousy is a hard animal to tame, nay to cage. I run a webcast at www.tetelestai-radio.com and have done so for a couple of years now. Today freerock1.com changed over to www.chargeradio.com. That got a lot of coverage on a site that I frequent and it has been hard to watch because of my foolish, jealous nature. I wish them nothing but the best and I know that if I only did something more than gripe and moan I could do more with my webcast. The question then becomes who is my webcast really for, what is my motivation? Is it personal glory? After today I'm not sure I can answer that question comfortably. This is supposed to be my ministry for God, not for me. It isn't for my glory, but HIS. Because of that I also feel shame and disgust at not giving my best to it. It's a vicious cycle.

I really do wish them the best though, I'm somewhat friends with one of the co-program directors and I think they've taken that station in the right direction. It rocks, check it out if you get a chance.

Then come back to mine;)

Now Playing: Brad Stine - Animal Rights Activists on Tetelestai-radio.com

Thanks that was fun. . .don't forget. . .no regrets

Well I think I'm going to have fun with the picture feature for this blog. I do apologize if the picture is a bit too cheesy.

Why is it I am so afraid to move forward, but once I do I find the travel is easy? I've been putting off working on a project for a week or so due to other commitments and I finally got into it tonight. I figured out two things that were bothering me and made major head way into the project. It usually happens that way. I let fear or frustration paralyze me too much.

I wish I could get the motivation to take on more challenges, but I don't. Maybe someday, sometime I will look back and see this was foolishness, but for now I feel I'm stuck in the quicksand of indecision and apathy. David wrote in Psalms of feeling this way and how God pulled him free and put him on steady ground. What makes me think that God will do the same for me when I can't take time out of my day and work on my relationship with Him? I feel pretty crappy right now and have for a few days. I know in a week or two it will be a passing memory fading like headlights on an empty highway. I know I'll bounce back and I'll be singing and dancing and praising and making all kinds of promises again about how I'm going to change my life for myself, my God and my family. And yet it will not happen. As I read the words I've written perhaps I've found a clue as to why, but will I truly learn from it.

I need a change in attitude AND a change in latitude. I am crazy, but I feel I'm still going insane.

Look mom I'm at work.

From the Department of Imagination

Just changed the name of the blog, keep up with the times and all. Well, 30 came and went with more whimper than bang, but it was enjoyable and no I don't feel any older or wiser. I didn't expect to though. My wife threw me a great party with some blasts and friends from the past and all in all I wouldn't have traded it for the world.

If you are wondering about the new title of the blog, I haven't a good explanation. The jars of clay is a reference to a Biblical passage that refers to 'treasures in jars of clay' meaning the gift that God gives us that we keep in our hearts. I've never been one to conform to anything including my church. Don't get me wrong, I love my church family and the diversity it brings. However, God made each of us unique and individual and I think we should celebrate that individuality in the body and not force each other into roles or rules that don't belong.

It's a rainy, blah day out and I need to get things done tonight. I love the winter and cool weather, but sometimes I just want to see some sun.

Just give me what I want and nobody gets hurt. . .

Time for honesty. With myself and with whoever maybe reading. I'm a terribly insecure person. It is kind of a dichotimy with me. I make friends easily, I'm intelligent(both book and common sense), and for the most part people like it when I'm around. Or atleast they haven't told me otherwise. I'm not arrogant, I don't think I'm the smartest, definitly not the strongest, fastest, or best looking. I am me and for the most part I am content to be me.

However, I'm can and will second guess myself and do so often. The great news I had last post doesn't seem as shiny and great right now. Maybe it is just me being impatient, it wouldn't suprise me, but. . . Sometimes deep friendships just don't happen the way you'd expect them to.

I guess we will see.

Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce

The devil maybe in the details, but God still has the whole plan. I feel as though this really great thing has happened and I need to be dancing and singing. Imagine what would happen if I got a new job or something major.

I've been praying about God sending me an accountability partner for awhile now. For awhile now I've been considering asking someone I know. Today that person asked me. Some would say God works in mysterious ways and sometimes I would be inclined to agree with them. Today isn't one of those days.

Now if I could just get past this job thing :)

One. . .oh one. . .the only way is one

I'm not getting up any earlier than I was, but working out in the morning has this knack for making one feel tired. Currently I'm waiting for a fire drill to begin at work. Other than that it seems to be a bland day. I'm not complaining about that either.

So I started working out again after four monthes of down time. I'm easing into it so I don't feel sore, though my legs are more tired than normal. It's gray outside, which is how I imagine the perfect fall day. Cool weather, just cool enough you need a long sleeve shirt or sweater. The sky is gray and unforgiving, providing the perfect background for the rainbow of colors each tree provides. It's the kind of day I want to sit out on a porch or deck with a good book or magazine and a cup of hot coffee.

Better yet, I think a laptop with wireless and a good connection would work too. Either way it wouldn't be here. I hate slow days.

19 days and counting

So many dreams and goals unaccomplished. How do I take responsibility for my life? There is so much potential that I don't live up to and I don't know how to get there.

We just started 40 Days of Purpose at church. I've read the book before and fully intend to again during this 40 day period. What is my purpose? Why am I here? I know I'm here to glorify God and to spread His good word, but beyond that. . .What are the specifics?

I started this blog as an idea to track the road and goals I set for myself as I finished out my 20's and nothing has changed. I have the same goals and desires. I have to change, *I* have to find a way to do things right by God, by my wife, and by myself. I have to take more time to try, to study, to relax, to workout.

How do I do it?

I work from 8 to 5.

5:30 Wake up
6:00-7:00 Workout
7:00-7:30 Shower and clean up
7:30-8:00 Breakfast, quiet time
8:00-5:00 Work
5:00-5:30 Drive home
5:30-7:30 Study
7:30-8:30 Fix supper and eat
8:30-9:30 Recreational time
9:30~10:00 Go to sleep

Sounds great in a perfect world, maybe it's something I need to try.

If I should slip, will they catch me, or watch me fall
 
I'm having one of those weeks again.  I'm reading the book 'Steps to Relevance' and I just hit one of those moments that I'm sure God is speaking to me.  The author explained that when Jesus came to his disciples the threw down their nets and followed Him.  The author goes on to explain that sometimes it isn't the negative that keeps us from God, but the positive.  The nets were a means of life and identity for the disciples.  They willingly gave that up without question when Jesus asked them to.  How often do we fall into the trap of letting our lives, our jobs, our identities get in the way of God.  I'm desparately searching for my calling and what God wants me to do.  I keep trying to pigeon hole it into radio or computers though.  I HAVE to accept the possibility that God will use me in another way if I want to go to the next step.  I can say that I want that to happen, but can I live it?
 
I so desparately want a job that I can enjoy going to each day.  I don't like hating the job I have.  Whenever I hear someone whose really where God wants them to be talk, they are filled with happiness and peace.  I know that no matter what they face on a daily basis, they like what they are doing.  I want the same.  I may not be ready.  I may never actually get there, God may have another road for me to travel.  I just wish I knew which way I was supposed to be going.

So here I sit late on a Saturday night contemplating my future. I have a cert test in a week and I'm really not prepared. I need to be studying, but I can't get the motivation to.

I watched The Italian Job tonight. Good, mindless piece of cinema. I liked it, it was a fun film.

I have no motivation to do anything. I'm settling for mediocrity right now. I really want to feel charged up about something. That doesn't happen a lot. I get little charges now and then, but nothing life changing. I don't know why. Is it the job? Have I gotten use to doing so much for so little that I don't see any better life than that?

Ask anyone who knew me ten years ago and I can bet that they would've said I was going to have done more with my life than I am now. I can't even get the energy to up and serve God properly and that's the most important thing in my life. I feel like I'm trudging through the days just "getting by." That isn't life, that's existing. I want to do more than exist, I want to make a difference. It isn't that I want to changes things so my life will be better, I want to make a quiet impact on the world around me. I want to change it without it realizing that I'm doing it. I don't want a spotlight, I don't want fame, I just want to do a job that I care about. I can give my 100% daily to the job I'm doing, but am I really if I don't actually enjoy it?

In a little more than 8 monthes I'll be 30 years old. Will I look back to this writing and realize that nothing has changed? I wonder. Things should be different, life should be more enjoyable. At the very least, I should be doing what God put me here to do.

I knew I was getting disjointed in my blogging. I completely forgot to call my best friend in the whole world on his 30th birthday and I'm really feeling like crap about it. That's probably been the theme for my whole day though since I realized my faux paus this morning.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

The madness is never going to end.

Okay, I feel marginally better now.

Paul, if you happen to see this, Happy Belated Birthday and I'll call you this week sometime.

I think the term is mental breakdown, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm ready for Christmas vacation. I haven't updated here in awhile because: a. my goals for life have dropped off the map and b. I've been unusually busy at work and haven't had much free time.

Have you ever been to a point in your life where you can't focus on anything? I have goals. I want to lose weight. I want to get certified and learn more about programming for the web, computer security, and networks in general. I have a stack of books and magazines I would like to read. I have a house I would like to clean up and organize. Somewhere in there I would like to spend time with my wife also.

I can't focus long enough to get one thing done. In a given night I have 5 very usuable hours to do things and I usually end up screwing them away doing nothing of importance. It's very frustrating. I used to be so much more focused than this.

Now I'm rambling. Excuse my poor grammer and or punctuation and spelling. I'm working on that also.

The webcast is going good. I'm pushing to try and get things worked out so I can switch over to MP3Pro around the begining of 2004. This would mean more to you the listener as it improves the overall quality of the stream.

I'm very tired and I'm really not up for going to work at all this coming week. Wednesday I get to go to Alton, Il. and see my grandmother and my uncle's family for Christmas. I can't wait to just be able to relax.

If I don't get a chance to update again before then I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

Perhaps I'll start updating more often. Not likely though. Work keeps me pretty busy and coming home all I want to do is crash. This weekend I'm working overtime AND I have to work yard cleanup in somehow.

I have an interview for a helpdesk position at a hospital in town. I've been working helpdesk/deskside install for 6 years now. I have a MCP in Windows 2000 and my A+ certification as well as a Bachelor's in Computer Information Systems. I'm also just an all around geek when it comes to computers. In addition to sometimes blogging I run a webcast at http://www.tetelestai-radio.com.

I starting the first week of running in my workout program today. This week is a half hour of alternating 2 minutes running and 4 minutes walking. I make it through 3.5 sets of running and walked the rest. It wasn't my lack of lung strength that kept me out of the run, it was my legs not used to being punished. I'm just hoping in the long run this will help me out.

Hey, if you want to check out a real good blog try http://www.wilwheaton.net. The guy rocks as a writer.



Just finished up watching Smallville. I'm really getting hooked on the show this season. If you haven't seen it yet I apologize, but I thought it was so cool to see Jor-El do something Clark hasn't: FLY!

I'm a comic book geek too.

This blog is being brought to you from a laptop on a wireless connection. Now you might say this isn't anything to write home about as wireless is popping up everywhere. The cool part is having a laptop with built in wireless. I would love to own it, too back it's a company loaner. I like being able to connect from anywhere in the house. If anyone wants to donate a laptop or money for a laptop, please let me know:)

Well Angel is on the new WB Wednesday so I better stop for now. Don't want to get too disjointed in my posting.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to me. 365 days until the big 3 0 .

My how time will fly. So I was looking into a workout routine to help get back into the gym. The workout room where I work has a sheet that helps non-runners work up to running 30 minutes. I think I'll take up the challenge. I've been going through the pre-workout warming up this week, walking on the treadmill 20 minutes. Next week I bump it to 30 minutes and then I start running.

Should be educational none the less.

Time for a new blog and a new pace in things. I'll be turning 29 on Thursday and I thought to myself this would be a cool project to do. This is going to be all, this is going to be me going from 29 to 30.

This is going to be my spiritual life in the open. This is going to be me trying to move from 298lbs. to 246lbs(1 pound a week for the next year). This is me trying to complete my MCSE by the time I'm 30.

Most of all I hope to look back on this and see some real change in my life. What happens when I hit 30. . . who knows, if I really get into this maybe I'll change to the road to 40 :)