Saturday, February 07, 2004

So here I sit late on a Saturday night contemplating my future. I have a cert test in a week and I'm really not prepared. I need to be studying, but I can't get the motivation to.

I watched The Italian Job tonight. Good, mindless piece of cinema. I liked it, it was a fun film.

I have no motivation to do anything. I'm settling for mediocrity right now. I really want to feel charged up about something. That doesn't happen a lot. I get little charges now and then, but nothing life changing. I don't know why. Is it the job? Have I gotten use to doing so much for so little that I don't see any better life than that?

Ask anyone who knew me ten years ago and I can bet that they would've said I was going to have done more with my life than I am now. I can't even get the energy to up and serve God properly and that's the most important thing in my life. I feel like I'm trudging through the days just "getting by." That isn't life, that's existing. I want to do more than exist, I want to make a difference. It isn't that I want to changes things so my life will be better, I want to make a quiet impact on the world around me. I want to change it without it realizing that I'm doing it. I don't want a spotlight, I don't want fame, I just want to do a job that I care about. I can give my 100% daily to the job I'm doing, but am I really if I don't actually enjoy it?

In a little more than 8 monthes I'll be 30 years old. Will I look back to this writing and realize that nothing has changed? I wonder. Things should be different, life should be more enjoyable. At the very least, I should be doing what God put me here to do.