I'm losing focus and I don't like it. I'm prone to wandering at best and downright attention deficit on my bad days. Outside of the music reviews I haven't done much in the way of writing lately. I know that if I'm going to be a writer I have to discipline myself to write on a regular basis, but like many things I don't feel like I have any follow through.
In an attempt to get some money saved and some debt paid off I'm combing through books and CDs to sell. I have a bookcase full of computer books that at one time were intended to help further my career. The problem is that I have no focus. There are books for network certifications, security studies, programming, graphics design, and web design. I hated programming when I graduated with my degree. I knew I was going into network administration. I took a few of the Microsoft tests, but never followed through. In the late 90's I knew computer security would be the next big thing so I started buying books on it. My prognostication proved to be true, but less than helpful since I never actually applied myself to the study.
Now I'm looking at web design. I'm trying very hard to take the advice of one of my friends and focus on only a few key programming methods. I get distracted though. I surf the web too much, I listen to music too much, I spend more time doing nothing and avoiding real work than I do actual study.
I like where I am in my life for the most part. I like the job I do, but I'm also afraid of what will happen when it eventually runs out.
Everyday I hear God telling me to let go. Let go of the job. Let go of the stuff. Let go of my life. Let go of my plans. I want to let go and fall into His plan and lean on His strength. I want to believe that when the chips are down I will have a stronger faith than what I feel I have now.
There is a whole school of thought regarding 'delayed adolescence' in young men today. Men in their twenties are staying at home with the parents, not worrying about studying or getting jobs, just concentrating on having fun. It isn't anything I really had to deal with. I lived with my parents through the first part of college and moved out when I was 22. With the exception of six months after a nasty eviction, I haven't lived with my parents since. I worked through college, got my degree in Computer Information Systems, and had a job at a computer support contracting firm one month after graduating. For the longest time I thought I had it all together.
This year I've learned a lot about myself, my faith, my relationship with my wife, and my lack of maturity. I'm praying for maturity and wisdom. I'm praying for change in my life.
So now I'm a music review and psychological sounding board. It must be a blog.