If I should slip, will they catch me, or watch me fall
 
I'm having one of those weeks again.  I'm reading the book 'Steps to Relevance' and I just hit one of those moments that I'm sure God is speaking to me.  The author explained that when Jesus came to his disciples the threw down their nets and followed Him.  The author goes on to explain that sometimes it isn't the negative that keeps us from God, but the positive.  The nets were a means of life and identity for the disciples.  They willingly gave that up without question when Jesus asked them to.  How often do we fall into the trap of letting our lives, our jobs, our identities get in the way of God.  I'm desparately searching for my calling and what God wants me to do.  I keep trying to pigeon hole it into radio or computers though.  I HAVE to accept the possibility that God will use me in another way if I want to go to the next step.  I can say that I want that to happen, but can I live it?
 
I so desparately want a job that I can enjoy going to each day.  I don't like hating the job I have.  Whenever I hear someone whose really where God wants them to be talk, they are filled with happiness and peace.  I know that no matter what they face on a daily basis, they like what they are doing.  I want the same.  I may not be ready.  I may never actually get there, God may have another road for me to travel.  I just wish I knew which way I was supposed to be going.

So here I sit late on a Saturday night contemplating my future. I have a cert test in a week and I'm really not prepared. I need to be studying, but I can't get the motivation to.

I watched The Italian Job tonight. Good, mindless piece of cinema. I liked it, it was a fun film.

I have no motivation to do anything. I'm settling for mediocrity right now. I really want to feel charged up about something. That doesn't happen a lot. I get little charges now and then, but nothing life changing. I don't know why. Is it the job? Have I gotten use to doing so much for so little that I don't see any better life than that?

Ask anyone who knew me ten years ago and I can bet that they would've said I was going to have done more with my life than I am now. I can't even get the energy to up and serve God properly and that's the most important thing in my life. I feel like I'm trudging through the days just "getting by." That isn't life, that's existing. I want to do more than exist, I want to make a difference. It isn't that I want to changes things so my life will be better, I want to make a quiet impact on the world around me. I want to change it without it realizing that I'm doing it. I don't want a spotlight, I don't want fame, I just want to do a job that I care about. I can give my 100% daily to the job I'm doing, but am I really if I don't actually enjoy it?

In a little more than 8 monthes I'll be 30 years old. Will I look back to this writing and realize that nothing has changed? I wonder. Things should be different, life should be more enjoyable. At the very least, I should be doing what God put me here to do.

I knew I was getting disjointed in my blogging. I completely forgot to call my best friend in the whole world on his 30th birthday and I'm really feeling like crap about it. That's probably been the theme for my whole day though since I realized my faux paus this morning.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!

The madness is never going to end.

Okay, I feel marginally better now.

Paul, if you happen to see this, Happy Belated Birthday and I'll call you this week sometime.

I think the term is mental breakdown, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm ready for Christmas vacation. I haven't updated here in awhile because: a. my goals for life have dropped off the map and b. I've been unusually busy at work and haven't had much free time.

Have you ever been to a point in your life where you can't focus on anything? I have goals. I want to lose weight. I want to get certified and learn more about programming for the web, computer security, and networks in general. I have a stack of books and magazines I would like to read. I have a house I would like to clean up and organize. Somewhere in there I would like to spend time with my wife also.

I can't focus long enough to get one thing done. In a given night I have 5 very usuable hours to do things and I usually end up screwing them away doing nothing of importance. It's very frustrating. I used to be so much more focused than this.

Now I'm rambling. Excuse my poor grammer and or punctuation and spelling. I'm working on that also.

The webcast is going good. I'm pushing to try and get things worked out so I can switch over to MP3Pro around the begining of 2004. This would mean more to you the listener as it improves the overall quality of the stream.

I'm very tired and I'm really not up for going to work at all this coming week. Wednesday I get to go to Alton, Il. and see my grandmother and my uncle's family for Christmas. I can't wait to just be able to relax.

If I don't get a chance to update again before then I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

Perhaps I'll start updating more often. Not likely though. Work keeps me pretty busy and coming home all I want to do is crash. This weekend I'm working overtime AND I have to work yard cleanup in somehow.

I have an interview for a helpdesk position at a hospital in town. I've been working helpdesk/deskside install for 6 years now. I have a MCP in Windows 2000 and my A+ certification as well as a Bachelor's in Computer Information Systems. I'm also just an all around geek when it comes to computers. In addition to sometimes blogging I run a webcast at http://www.tetelestai-radio.com.

I starting the first week of running in my workout program today. This week is a half hour of alternating 2 minutes running and 4 minutes walking. I make it through 3.5 sets of running and walked the rest. It wasn't my lack of lung strength that kept me out of the run, it was my legs not used to being punished. I'm just hoping in the long run this will help me out.

Hey, if you want to check out a real good blog try http://www.wilwheaton.net. The guy rocks as a writer.



Just finished up watching Smallville. I'm really getting hooked on the show this season. If you haven't seen it yet I apologize, but I thought it was so cool to see Jor-El do something Clark hasn't: FLY!

I'm a comic book geek too.

This blog is being brought to you from a laptop on a wireless connection. Now you might say this isn't anything to write home about as wireless is popping up everywhere. The cool part is having a laptop with built in wireless. I would love to own it, too back it's a company loaner. I like being able to connect from anywhere in the house. If anyone wants to donate a laptop or money for a laptop, please let me know:)

Well Angel is on the new WB Wednesday so I better stop for now. Don't want to get too disjointed in my posting.

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to me. 365 days until the big 3 0 .

My how time will fly. So I was looking into a workout routine to help get back into the gym. The workout room where I work has a sheet that helps non-runners work up to running 30 minutes. I think I'll take up the challenge. I've been going through the pre-workout warming up this week, walking on the treadmill 20 minutes. Next week I bump it to 30 minutes and then I start running.

Should be educational none the less.

Time for a new blog and a new pace in things. I'll be turning 29 on Thursday and I thought to myself this would be a cool project to do. This is going to be all, this is going to be me going from 29 to 30.

This is going to be my spiritual life in the open. This is going to be me trying to move from 298lbs. to 246lbs(1 pound a week for the next year). This is me trying to complete my MCSE by the time I'm 30.

Most of all I hope to look back on this and see some real change in my life. What happens when I hit 30. . . who knows, if I really get into this maybe I'll change to the road to 40 :)